a blog entry...

...original title i know. i'm pretty darn proud of it
i want to write...i'm jsut not sure what all that i desire to write that i also deisre to have available to the world of online.
lots of stuff going on in my head now.
questions mostly. lots of whys, a few hows, a who or two, and as often accompanies my questioning times more than a few big panicked fustrated screams "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
life is getting away from me again. or rather i am getting away from life. i havent really been home in awhile. i mean i've been home, but i have been so busy working and doing things and going places that i havent "been home" for real since i went square dancing. it is starting to take it's toll. but i keep scheduling my life to the brim. usually this means i'm hiding from something. they do not call me the princess of procrastination for nothing...for doing nothing, yes, but i menat "they dont call me that without reason" and we both know that! i am not exactly sure what i'm trying to keep from thinking about but i have a few ideas....maybe.
as for slovakia. well yes, slovakia. i have entered another waiting cycle. once i get my references in, there will be interveiwing on the phone and either acceptance or more rejection and either way i shall have a small breakdown.
as for OMS. i still have to finsiht hat dumb theology exam...this problem is magnified by the lack of being home that i have done lately.
and on the relationship front. i'm jsut plain lost. not sure how anyone involved feels (except that Bryan makes his mind pretty clear to me on occasion). i watched the notebook (well the last half hour or so) tonight with mom and abi after i got home from work. as i have said before, i should not be allowed to watch sappy movies. but i like them. i want them to be my life. i know that my profile has said that "Fairy tales are to romance what fireworks are to the night sky. They are transient states ... and while temporarily thrilling, not what one builds a life around." i believe that. but i have so much princess in me that i still want the fairy tale. i know that i need more than the fairy tale to "live happily ever after" but i'm not sure i want to live "ever after" if i dont get my little bit of fairy tale sprinkled in there. i question wether my current course will lead me to that end. i think there's a love-language barrier going on here.
Abi is home. dad and Ami flew to Equador today. I work easter sunday. I agreed to type the words to the Choir's Easter musical into powerpoint. i am set up to pretty much keep not thinking aobut the things that i'm not thinking about. except that i'm thinking aobut then all teh time i'm doing other stuff. but if i'm busy elsewhere i do not have to act on any of my thinking. i can jsut idly overthink...it's a pernicious and insidious disease.